Someone I Know is Polyamorous: What Does That Mean?
Other Resources

1) Where can I go to read more about polyamory?

There are many places you can discuss polyamory. I'm going to talk about the online resources in the next question, and just cover some basic websites and books here.

Books:

There are several common books often recommend as an introduction. One of the major ones, "Love Without Limits" by Deborah Anapol focus on polyamory, and is readily available.

A book called "The Ethical Slut" is not specifically focused on polyamory, but does include useful advice. That's by Catherine Liszt and Dossie Eaton (though forthcoming editions will be released as Catherine Liszt and Janet Hardy - 'Dossie' was a pseudonym used while Janet's child was still a minor). These are the two books most often referenced.

One other print publication is the Loving More Magazine. You can get back issues or subscribe via their website (see below)

Websites:

As well, there are any number of websites. Typing in 'polyamory' into most search engines will get you some sites, but a good two to try are:

• http://polyamory.org (this includes links to many other likely sites, other resources, and so on)
• http://lovemore.com (The Loving More website, which has some back articles and a number of other resources.)

2) What about online resources?

They all have slightly different styles and flavors, so you may want to explore all of the major ones and any local groups, before settling on a specific place or two to focus your time. I've included *my* comments after the groups, but please go take a look for yourself (any group I've commented on, I'm currently reading regularly, so my information is based on current impressions as of the "last updated" date at the bottom of this page)

Please feel free to disagree with me (though I've tried to put my comments in a positive light for each group.)

alt.polyamory : This is a Usenet group. To read it, you will either need a progam which lets you read Usenet (some webbrowsers have a method built in, or there are many freeware/shareware programs available), or you can read it from http://groups.google.com.

(If you'd like to learn more about how to read Usenet - where there are thousands of other groups on many subjects, send me an e-mail and I'd be glad to point you at specific information that will be useful to you. It'd be helpful if you told me which operating system you use on your computer - Windows, Macintosh, Unix, etc.).

It averages between 100 and 300 messages most days.

My impressions of alt.polyamory:

• This group is more heavily international than some (mostly English speaking countries, but some from various points in Europe and elsewhere)
  
  
• It's a group where clear writing and thoughtfulness are highly valued
  
  
• There's a fairly strong group culture (with some 'in joke' type phrases) which can be a little off-putting to newcomers. (Though people will explain them to you, if you ask...)
  
  
• It also has a fairly high level of non-poly-specific conversation (although conversation is often drawn from or of interest to people in poly relationships.)
  
  
• Almost everyone is very pleasant to newcomers (or will just ignore you) with the occasional exception that all groups seem to have. If you ask politely, or accept a "Hey, you might want to think about this because..." with good grace, you'll do fine. (The only people who seem to end up horribly offended are those who aren't willing to conform to some fairly reasonable group standards, or who insist they know what other people really meant to say, or things like that.)
  
  
• It is a quite high traffic group (in the realm of 100-300 messages most days) Some people read every post, but many people read only threads which interest them particularly. (Threads being specific sets of messages and replies on a given topic.) It's fine if you can't read all of it (though you should try and read the whole thread you're replying to if it's new, or the last few messages if you're in the middle of a dense thread.)
  
  
• Alt.polyamory probably has the most people where I *know* they've had successful poly relationships over the long-term (for varying definitions of 'success') and in the widest variety of definitions of poly.
  
  
• One thing to be aware of regarding alt.polyamory is that it's Usenet - anyone can read it, and you have no way of knowing who's reading it.
  
  
• It is also publicly archived (at http://groups.google.com and other places) so your words will be available for others to read indefinitely. There are ways to keep yourself effectively anonymous (use an e-mail address not known to your family or work colleagues, don't have your real name anywhere in your information, etc.) but you should double check all of that before posting for the first time. There are also some tricks to not have your posts archived -but that may not be respected by all archiving sources.
  

Poly@polyamory.org mailing list: This is one of the oldest of the polyamory discussion groups. It also has a national membership, but while there are some international people on there, their presence is not as strongly felt as in alt.polyamory.

My impressions of the poly@polyamory.org mailing list:

• This list has gotten somewhat quieter in the past two years or so. Current traffic is between 0 and 20 messages a day on average.
  
  
• There are certainly people on that list who have useful things to say, but there are a couple of dynamics that I personally have found less comfortable as time passed. They may not be an issue for you, however.
  
  
• One was, that whenever I asked for advice (with an explicit statement saying something like "I'm asking for advice" I got general conversation, and whenever I said "I'm not asking for advice, this has nothing to do with my life directly, I was just interested by the topic" I'd get advice - sometimes quite condescending advice. I understand that that might happen occasionally (particularly the first case), but it has been the majority (7 or 8 out of 10) of responses any time I posted like that. (When I just post in response to other people's questions, it's not such a problem.)
  
  
• I've also personally felt some age bias there- people who had not been actively in poly relationships ever, believing that they knew better than I did *about specifically poly issues* simply because they had been in a longer monogamous relationship than I had (easy, I've never been in an agreed-to-be-monogamous relationship) or were simply older. I don't mind people giving advice or suggestions, but there's a line there between advice and "I know what's best for you, you innocent little girl" (It was this latter issue that caused the founding of the poly-under30 e-mail list that I'll talk about in a bit.) This issue has gotten a bit better in the last two years.
  
  
• However, all of that said, I think that the poly@polyamory.org list is my favorite of the general e-mail lists, and it *does* have a number of people reading it who have been involved in long-term poly relationships who post regularly. The list is not archived in any way, due to privacy concerns.
  
  
• This list currently averages between 5 and 20 posts a day most days.
  

Loving More Lovelist: This is probably the third of the big three long-standing online discussion groups (they host a number of others, as well). This is run by the people who run lovemore.com. They also run an online message board. The mailing list is not archived, but the message board contains archived messages.

My impressions: Loving More is probably the group I feel least in common with.

• There tends to be a stronger emphasis on some areas of personal thought that I am personally not as interested in (and a few of which make me uncomfortable)
  
  
• There tends to be a heavier New Age influence.
  
  
• This is the place I've seen the most comments of the "We are poly, therefore we must love *everyone*" and "Poly people are more evolved" type comments. (Neither of which, you might have guessed, do much for me personally)
  
  
• There is also a stronger emphasis on concepts like Radical Honesty, or a focus on increased sexual intimacy as a 'improving' thing to do, both of which I find personally a little uncomfortable with in places.
  
  
• However, that is certainly not the entire list (and there are certainly other posters on that list who argue with those points), and good discussions do take place.
  
  
• This is a moderate traffic list - perhaps 5-20 messages a day when there's ongoing discussion.

It is certainly worth taking a look at.

Poly-under30 list: Finally, and as it's worth mentioning, there is a poly-under30@polyamory.org list. This list is meant mostly for people under the age of 30. People *over* the age of 30 may subscribe (and post) if they feel it's appropriate, but they are not supposed to use their greater age as a sign of greater knowledge, necessarily. (That's the reason the list was created)

My impressions:

• I've been subscribed since the list was created, and in the last two years the tone there has gotten a bit more brittle - not harsh, exactly, but people seem to react more than on other groups, and in a more brittle sort of tone.
  
  
• The group tends to be very low traffic - weeks can go by with no posts, now, and then you'll get a burst of traffic
  
  
• However, it's still a good group, and a different subset of people, and you can still get good advice there.
  

Summary:

Again, each group tends to have a different flavor, and a different type of communication going on, and you may find one or more of these groups very helpful to you, and others not what you're looking for. I do strongly suggest you take a look at several groups before settling on any. You might find my advice on getting along in online groups useful (see my Writings index for several links)

2) Where can I find people who've had successful polyamorous relationships?

Well, the above mailing lists and online discussion groups are one place. Another place to look is for local discussion groups. You can find a list at the main polyamory.org page.

3) What do you think the biggest mistakes people can make in a polyamorous relationship are?

Well, one good place (and applicable to any relationship) is Elise Matheson's "How to F*** Up Guide" (see http://polyamory.org for a link)

Some other more specific ones for poly:

Big mistakes include:

• isolating yourself from other people who do polyamorous relationships in a fairly wide array of configurations and agreements. Why set yourself up to make mistakes that you could avoid?
• not at least seriously considering advice when other people go "Meep. Not a path with a great success rate...." or other warning signs.
• making rapid decisions in the heat of the moment (particularly while functioning under New Relationship Energy (all that lovely hormone reaction that happens in new relationships)). You should use the same kind of time frame with poly relationships that you would use with monogamous relationships - or even longer. If you wouldn't move in with someone 2 months after meeting, don't do it just because the relationship is poly.
• choosing to try polyamory to fix a problem in your current dyadic relationship. This doesn't usually work well. Fix your problems first, or go your separate ways first, but don't drag other people into a nonfunctional relationship to start with.
• not allowing your current partner at least as much time to adapt to the idea of polyamory as you had (if it took you 18 months to decide to try it, give them 18 months at least. It might take them less, but try allowing them the same amount of time before you give up on the idea entirely.)
• the more specific details you insist on in a partner, the harder it's going to be to find someone who matches that. You can pick "many potential partners " or "meets all my requirements" but you're unlikely to get both.

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Last edited October 18, 2001