Someone I Know is Polyamorous: What Does That Mean?
Ethics

1) My friend has been saying that he/she is polyamorous. However, I ran into my friend and their spouse the other day, and my friend ignored his other partner, who was also there. Is my friend cheating? Should I do something about this?

This would be a good thing to ask your friend about. It may be that there were people from one or the other person's workplace there, and they didn't want to out themselves (as a nice innocent option). It may be that while he has an agreement with his wife to have other relationships, she doesn't want to know who he's involved with, or have it be obvious while out in public.

The best thing to do is to ask your friend, and listen to how he responds, and what he says. If he says that his wife knows about it, ask what she'd say if you asked about it (you don't need to go ask her - his response should tell you whether she actually knows unless your friend is an amazingly good liar.)

If that approach doesn't work for you, it *is* perfectly fair for you to say you didn't know what to do in the situation, and that you don't like being placed in a position where you might have to lie to someone without your being able to agree in advance as to whether you will do that or not. Therefore, could he please explain the situation so that you and he can talk about how you might respond the next time.

2) My friend has told me about their agreements with their partners. I was in a situation where I saw a partner of theirs doing something I know is not something my friend has agreed to. What should I do?

If it is something that you know is a health risk your friend is not comfortable with, I'd say that it's important that you tell your friend (I tend to think that long-term health effects warrant telling someone, even if it's going to cause emotional pain, if you a) have direct evidence of your own eyes and b) know for certain it's something that your friend is absolutely not comfortable with.)

If it's an *emotional* risk, that's a lot trickier, or if those two other conditions are not met, you might wait and see, or find out more information.

I would be very careful about going to someone with something I hadn't seen myself, or which I might be misinterpreting.

In the end, you should probably do whatever you'd do if you thought a monogamous friend was being cheated on.

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Last edited: September 15, 2002