Someone I Know is Polyamorous: What Does That Mean?
Propositions

1) I've been approached by someone who asked if I'd like to be involved with them. They're polyamorous. I'm not interested in that. How do I say no without making them feel offended?

Decline exactly the same way you would someone you didn't want to offend if they offered and *weren't* polyamorous, is one option. (Something along the lines of "Oh, I'm very flattered, but I'm sorry...") Alternatively, simply make it clear that as much as you respect their ability to be in poly relationships, that's not something you're interested in doing. Or that you're in a monogamous relationship that you're very happy with.

People *should* leave you alone at that point. If they don't - if they keep pushing you - then in my opinion, you shouldn't feel bad about being progressively more firm about your answers. No should mean no, whatever the preferred relationship configuration.

2) I've been approached by a polyamorous friend, and asked if I'd like to be involved with them. What sort of things should I be thinking before I make a decision to try this?

First, you should get more information.

You might want to ask about...
... what their existing relationship agreements are.
... how their other partners prefer to interact with each other and with new partners.
... safer sex agreements and precautions.
... how much time they have available for you in their weekly and monthly lives.
... how you would be expected to interact with their other partners (do other partners needs come before yours? How would this person balance it if two of you needed help (a ride home, someone to bring over some food, a shoulder to cry on) at the same time.) Would there be social time spent with those partners?
... What sort of things you can expect from them (what sorts of things it's OK to ask them for. can you call late at night if you need to talk? Would they be able to stay overnight sometimes?)
... What sorts of things would you not be able to rely on getting from them. (For example, they might not be able to drop everything to help you for some reason - childcare, job duties, etc., or just because there are other obligations that come first for them.)

After you have all of that information (and anything else that seems important to you), you can begin to make a decision on whether or not this is something you can cope with.

Other things you should discuss include how communication will flow (how are dates set up, how will important events be communicated, do you both have the same basic feel about what important things to communicate are), but that can be done after you decide you want to be romantically involved.

Finally, it's often a really good idea to get in touch with other people who are in poly relationships. You can take a look at my "Other Resources" section for a number of places. Isolating yourself from other people trying to do similar things mostly means that you might duplicate someone else's mistakes accidentally, which has always struck me as not the best use of anyone's time.

3) I know someone who says they're poly. They won't have sex with me. Aren't all poly people willing to have sex with whoever?

Nope. Poly does not equal promiscuous. Some poly people are very picky about partners (just as picky as many monogamous people). Some poly people are just honestly attracted to very few people. Some poly people are willing to be sexually involved with a larger number of people, but that still doesn't mean that they may want to have sex with *you*.

As well, poly people may have closed relationships, not be open to other partners at this time, require a strong emotional commitment before having a physical relationship, or may just not be attracted to people of your gender.

Lots of reasons. Pushing someone about this one makes about as much sense as pushing someone monogamous and single who just doesn't want to date you. If the chemistry isn't there, most people have no interest in exploring that kind of relationship, even if their current situation allows it.

Again, "No" should mean no, without any need for justification. Flip the situation around - if someone was interested in you, but you weren't interested in them, you'd want them to be reasonable about it, right?

4) Someone I know says that one person can't possibly satisfy all of his needs in a relationship, and that being polyamorous is more evolved. That sounds to me like excuses for not wanting to commit to one person, and it sounds like he's saying that polyamory is better than monogamy. Should I be offended, or is there something I'm missing here?

These are two great poly myths, which (I think rather unfortunately) people keep spouting. Let me rush to tell you that that is *not* the way all poly people think or react, and that you've run into someone who's being One True Wayist (i.e. they think their way is the only way). Honest, not everyone's like that, and it's fine to feel offended when someone tells you that they know you better than you do, or know what's best for you, or what you 'should' be doing.

That said, let me offer some thoughts on both issues.

The "One person can't satisfy all my needs" is something that sometimes gets referred to as needs-based poly. Sometimes you'll see someone who really doesn't feel comfortable unless they have both a male and female partner, if they're bisexual. Sometimes it'll be someone who does love a partner very much, but also needs kinds of interactions that their partner is unwilling or uncomfortable giving. (This sometimes happens with BDSM practices - kinky stuff, in other words).

Now, there's nothing *wrong* with feeling like that - just that it's not why everyone's poly who is poly. Some people (and I include myself here) like having the opportunity to let each relationship fall to the appropriate level for that relationship without undue restriction. (i.e. just because we're told we can't. Many people in this situation will allow for reasonable restrictions (24 hours in the day, children, job demands, and so on) that are grounded in the actual situation.)

In my case (and speaking solely for myself, though I know other people who share similar feelings) I don't rely on *any* of my partners for 'needs'. I want to be responsible for my own needs, and not dependent on anyone else for my happiness or stability. On the other hand, I do consider my partners to be strong 'wants' - I very much enjoy having them in my life, am willing to go to considerable effort to keep them around, and so on. But I know I'm still capable of having a happy and fulfilled life on my own. It'd just be a different life, and one that, having the choice, I prefer not to have.

The other question - are poly people 'more evolved' is another hairy one. Personally, I think that it's sort of a pointless issue, and one inclined to cause enmity for no good reason. I think that the most evolved perspective on relationships is for each person to decide what is best for them, make a conscious decision, and work towards that, whether that is monogamy, polyamory, celibacy, or anything else. I tend to get irritated at people who say that being able to be poly is more evolved- some people just don't seem to *want* more than one romantic partner, even though they'd have no real objections to having one if they wanted one.

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Last edited: September 15, 2002