Someone I Know is Polyamorous: What Does That Mean?
Serious Situations

1) My friend had a bad breakup due to a polyamorous relationship. Now they want to get involved in another poly situation. How can I tell my friend that this is a bad idea?

First of all, if your friend had been in a nasty breakup of a monogamous relationship, would you be telling them to not consider any more relationships? (As opposed, say, to suggesting that waiting a little longer might be a good idea if they weren't really over the last one.)

Sometimes the apparent 'poly' reason for a breakup really isn't the real reason. The reason I broke up with my ex-fiance had nothing to do with the poly situation - that was actually the one part of our relationship where our communication was working fine, at the end. It had to do with him ignoring me for other things (not people, so much, but other activities) and him going more and more towards the homosexual end of the attraction scale. (I'm female. You might see the problem here.)

So it may be that the 'bad breakup' wasn't due to poly reasons, but other incompatibility reasons, or someone being a repeated jerk, or having different goals, or many other things. Besides, telling a friend that you think their relationship is a bad idea is usually a good way to get the friend to stop listening to your concerns. There *are* ways to express concern that are less likely to push someone away, however- but they need to be carefully approached.

You can talk to your friend about the specifics "I've been listening to you talk about these people, and now you say you want to give up your job, move half way across the country, and live with them, not knowing anyone else there. That worries me a lot. Have you thought about what you'd do if things didn't work out? Is there a way out for you, since you're the one taking much more of the risk?"

If your friend responds with something like "I'm not closing out my bank account here, and it's going to have X amount of money in it, and I'm storing most of my furniture for the next six months at least, and I'll have Z funds available if it isn't working. And here's their contact information, if it would help you to get in touch with them..." then you really can't argue with the fact that they do have plans, and have thought through what they're doing. If they stubbornly insist that of course it will work, then you might talk to them about backup plans, or (if you're comfortable) offer them couch space for a month if needed. At least then you have some concrete first hand information about how to approach talking to them further.

Likewise, you can talk to them about the emotional side. Starting with something like "I'm really glad you're so excited about this relationship - but I remember what it was like when X broke up with you, and how unhappy you were. I'm really worried that's going to happen to you again, and I don't like seeing you hurt like that. Can you reassure me that that's not going to happen?"

Obviously, no one's going to be able to guarantee that *this* relationship will be perfect. But if they talk about how they've learned specific communication skills, and how to better lay out boundaries, if they talk about the fact they've discussed prior relationship problems, and so on, then you can at least know that they've given some thought to the issue.

2) I just heard that my friend's partner is in the hospital. Are there things I should be aware of about this situation?

One of the things to bear in mind is that - unless your friend happens to be legally married to that partner - there may be restrictions on how often your friend can be there (or if the partner is in intensive care or some other restricted access areas, whether they can be there at all) Some poly groupings work up legal ways around this problem, but your friend might be very stressed with not being able to see his/her partner and care for them. And since poly people seem more likely to be in long distance relationships, they may not even be able to be in the same city.

Even if they *can* spend time with their partner, they may be feeling pressure or disdain from staff or other families in that ward who don't understand the relationship they have - or just the strain of having to keep explaining the situation. They may also be feeling pressure from their partner's other partners, if they didn't already know each other fairly well beforehand, or from their partner's parents. Being supportive and willing to listen (or show up and be firm so they can just be with their partner) may be very helpful.

As with anyone who had a loved one in the hospital, having a supportive friend or someone willing to help with domestic stuff (driving, food shopping, cooking, helping with cleaning or dog-walking or baby-sitting) might be extremely helpful. Just being understanding and a listening ear may also be helpful.

3) My friend's partner has died. What can I do to be helpful?

Basically, the same things you'd do for anyone - let them grieve, let them cry on your shoulder, try to simplify their domestic life as much as possible. (Giving them food to reheat, help with necessary chores, etc.)

The most major difficulty (particularly where there is a legal marriage involved, and your partner was not the legal spouse) is that other people may ignore the depth of their relationship (because it's not legally sanctioned), or they may be at some legal risk if there were shared property.

Being supportive, and treating their relationship as valid and meaningful - and just as much so as any other relationship, legal or not - will go a long way towards being helpful. Beyond that, reading up on stages of grief, and being available at times when particular stress might occur (birthdays of both your friend and their loved one, anniversaries, holidays) is also a great idea.

Don't be surprised if someone initially pushes away any offer of help - that's very common in the early stages of grieving for anyone. The most helpful thing you can do is to call every week or so at least and be willing to chat for a while, or to set up other social meetings the person would like to go to.

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Last edited: September 15, 2002