Someone I Know is Polyamorous: What Does That Mean?
Why Did They Tell Me?

1) This is my friend's private life. Why did they need to tell me something that made me reevaluate everything I know about them?

This is again one of the situations where things vary somewhat. It's always good to *ask* why they're telling you this. Their reasons may not be included here, of course.

In most of the cases I've heard, people share this kind of information because your having that information matters to them. They want you to know what - and who - is important, about things that have a major impact on their life. Often, people share this information with family or friends because they feel bad about keeping it from them - even if sharing it is very scary for them, because of the possibility of rejection.

For those who hear this as a part of the 'getting to know you' process of becoming friends, it's probably because the person who is telling you wants you to be a bigger part of their life, and to know more about their personal life. That's the same way that you'd expect to know a little about the spouse of a monogamous friend, even if you didn't spend much time with them. You'd certainly expect, for example, to know that there *was* a spouse, and their name, and probably at least a little about them. The only difference with poly stuff is that it's a bit more complicated to explain (because most people don't know what it means) and that there're potentially more people.

Finally, someone might share this information with you to make sure that you know that their spouse or romantic partner *isn't* cheating on them, and that they're comfortable with what's going on.

2) I really don't think this can work. How can I stay friends with my friend if I think they're heading for trouble or sin or pain?

Maybe you can't. It depends on what your qualifications are for friendship, and how you expect your friends to behave. If it's really important to you that all of your friends share your kind of relationship structure (or wish to) or that they follow your specific idea of morals or values, then yes, you may not be able to stay friends with your poly friend.

If, however, you have friends who differ from you in some other relationship-style ways (choosing not to marry, having homosexual relationships, choosing to stay single, choosing to be childfree) then it might be worth giving your poly friend a little time. If you're not sure what to do, try giving them six months to show you that they're happy and comfortable and how their relationship works in practice. Talk to them, talk to their partners. Do stuff with them (go out to the movies, have dinner), and see what you think of the situation.

If they were poly for a while before they told you about that side of their life, you might want to consider what you thought about them then. If you considered them to be honest, thoughtful, compassionate people with integrity- has the new information really changed their previous actions?

It's probably worth bearing in mind that they told you because they wanted that part of their life not to be hidden from you, or not to have to keep sliding around the subject. That takes a fair amount of trust, to tell someone where telling them might push them away. If there's any way you *can* give them the benefit of the doubt, and at least see how things go and do some more reading yourself, that might be a preferable approach. But surely *having* the information is better than them keeping such a major part of them from you.

You can certainly do reading on your own - some of the more commonly available and cited resources are a part of this document. You might want to ask your friend what they'd suggest, since I certainly know that there's material out there that is not very descriptive of my relationships, though it certainly falls into the umbrella of polyamory.

3) Why didn't they tell me sooner? My friend's just told me that they've been thinking about poly stuff for many months, and if I'd known, I would have said something about it. Why didn't they tell me when they first started thinking about this?

There can be a number of reasons for this. I know that when I didn't tell my friends I was considering it, it was because I expected a strong negative reaction (because it was unlike anything they 'expected' me to do) and I didn't want to deal with that negative reaction without the benefit of the support of a relationship to back it up. (I didn't have any partner at the time I was thinking about it, and then was part of a quad when the relationship started, there was no 'being involved with one other person' part in between. If there had been, I might have made a different decision.) I did in fact get quite a strong negative reaction from some people, and it was very hard to deal with.

Also, many people don't think that their friends (or at least, don't think that *all* of their friends) deserve notification about every thought they're considering. I generally assume that I should talk to the people it's actually directly affecting about changes I'm considering (job, religion, relationship style) but that I don't actually owe anyone else any explanation about my decisions before I make them except my chosen life partner(s). I might talk to friends about those decisions, but I don't think I'm obligated to, and I'd get quite irritated pretty quickly with someone who expected me to tell them everything I was thinking.

One other reason they might not have told you is if they've had a poor experience with gossip being spread or news being told despite a specific request to the contrary. That happened to me - and now, I generally organise how I tell people very carefully, and tell them only once I don't mind the general information getting out. Maybe they would have been ok telling you, but felt uncomfortable if you let something slip, or someone saw you reading about it, or putting you in a place where you'd have to lie if someone asked if something was new with them.

Finally, it often takes time to learn *how* to talk about a new subject. It took me several months to actually figure out how to explain what was important to me about polyamory, and why I wanted to try it. Maybe your friend was trying to figure out how to explain things, how to answer likely questions, and so on.

4) What sort of reactions do people get to telling others that they're polyamorous?

All sorts.

Confusion - at least initially - seems to be a pretty common one, actually. Someone might take the information in, but then not be sure how to ask questions, what to ask *about*, or what it means in their specific context.

Some people (I've heard this a lot from people telling parents or other family of origin) just try to ignore the situation entirely. This isn't a great solution (it tends to place a lot of pressure on the poly family member, especially about issues like family weddings, funerals, and holiday gatherings) but it is understandable.

Some people get pretty unconditional acceptance (at least once they demonstrate that it's something everyone involved knows about, and explain the situation)

Some people, unfortunately, get pushed away in anger (usually that the person is not 'fitting the correct mold') or fear (concern that they might get hurt). While the latter is particularly understandable, lashing out at someone is a bad way to get them to keep telling you important personal information, since it tends to push them away. Even *after* the fear reaction, it can still smooth things over a lot to apologise, say "I was scared you'd get hurt" and then ask questions.

5) Ok. So they told me. I don't know what to say now.

"I'm glad you felt you could tell me" isn't a bad place to start, if it's reasonably true.

It's ok to take a little while to try and figure out what you would like to know (and what would make you feel more comfortable to know about) Some things you might find you want to ask about (this list does not mean you *need* to ask these things, it just exists as a way to spark possible questions that you might want to ask.)

• How the person decided to try polyamory as a relationship style.
• What their partners are like.
• What sort of structures exist in their relationship (do they all live together)
• Is there anything that might affect social occasions or other things of the kind.
• If you have concerns about health issues, it's ok to ask what they've done to deal with these issues.
  

  It's probably not very productive to:

• Tell them they're going to Hell. (If you do feel this way, and you care about these people, it's a lot more productive to talk to them about it, rather than telling them, and then to decide if you can continue to be a part of their life.)
• Insist that it can't possibly ever work. If you've never heard of polyamory before, you haven't heard of the long term successful relationships which *have* worked. They are out there. Give your friend a chance to show you how things work for them.
• Have questions or concerns and not ask them. This can alter how you relate to the person. Certainly, there's some stuff (like how sex works) that's rather personal, but a lot of questions can be asked with a little care.
  

Other notes:

• Questions about sexual scheduling or sleeping arrangements (note: Not the same thing) seem to be common curiosities. These are obviously pretty personal subjects, but I think it's ok to ask if you a) are honestly interested and b) do so in a reasonable way (not in public, and of someone you know reasonably well) Most people who've told more than a couple of people that they're polyamorous are sort of used to this kind of question.
  

6) I've heard all those horror stories about polygamous marriages and how abused the women are. How can someone want to do something like that?

Well, to begin with, polyamory and polygamy are two different things (there may be some overlap) However, people who identify as polyamorous generally do *not* follow a formal Biblical polygamous model for relationships (one dominant male, multiple wives).

In polyamorous relationships (which might still involve multiple women), there is usually equality in the relationship - there is no standard that the man gets multiple wives, while the women don't get the option, unless that is something everyone decides is actually what they prefer. Division of labor is generally done solely on the basis of what people prefer to be doing (so the women might end up doing the cooking, but only because she either enjoys it, or has agreed to do it for some other reason that is meaningful to her - i.e. she likes housekeeping even less, and a partner likes doing that more than cooking)

Polyamorous relationships start with a presumption of equality, as a rule, although individuals might decide that they want to do something else. You're as likely to find a man decide they want to stay home and deal with domestic things while a woman goes and works for a living as the other way around.

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Last edited: September 15, 2002