Someone I Know is Polyamorous: What Does That Mean
Basic Concepts and Thoughts

1) What is polyamory exactly? My friend/child/colleague said they're polyamorous, and that this isn't cheating, but I don't really understand how that can be.

Polyamory is somewhat complicated to define, and different people use the word to mean somewhat different things. However, it's usually used by people to express the concept of having or being open to having multiple loving (romantic and/or sexual) relationships at the same time with everyone's consent. It's often abbreviated as 'poly'

It doesn't mean someone *does* have multiple relationships at the same time, or that those relationships all work the same way. Some people consider it to be a relationship orientation, the same way that being attracted to different genders is a sexual orientation, so that not having multiple partners at a particular point in time doesn't make them no longer polyamorous (the same way that a woman who has never had a boyfriend but who is attracted only to men will consider herself heterosexual.) Some people could be equally happy in monogamous or polyamorous relationships (and some have been, in fact), but some people are very unhappy being monogamous.

Polyamory is *one* form of responsible non-monogamy. Other forms are swinging (usually couples interested in sex with others, but not necessarily interested in forming longer term emotional bonds. There's overlap with polyamory, however, for some people) or other forms of open relationships. I don't really feel like I have the experience to comment on those other forms, so here, I'm just talking about polyamory. However, some of what I say here might help you understand other forms of non-monogamous relationships. There are also many ways to have polyamorous relationships - there's no single configuration that is expected, or way for a relationship to function.

One other word that's getting used more now is 'polysexual'. This is usually used to describe people who have multiple sexual relationships, which may or may not also have ongoing emotional commitments (like being friends, or being romantic partners).

Some people are polysexual without being polyamorous (having multiple sexual relationships, but no ongoing emotional commitment) Some people are polyamorous without having multiple sexual relationships at any given time. And some people are both. For example, at the time I write this, I have sexual relationships with both of my romantic partners, but they don't have sexual relationships or romantic with other people at the moment.

Sex may or may not be a significant factor in the relationships. It depends on the relationship. Some polyamorous relationship formations include people who are not sexually attracted to each other - either because they're not attracted to people of that gender, or just because they're not attracted. That's fine too. People in this situation may consider each other friends, or family - or they might not be a part of each other's lives, except very tangentially. It depends on the people involved.

The final part of this definition is that it has to be with the consent of everyone involved.

Some people don't want to know details of other relationships, but are all right with them occurring. This is often referred to as 'Don't ask, don't tell." This often doesn't work very well in the long run for practical reasons. However, most people who are in polyamorous relationships at least know the other partners involved slightly, and are often much closer than that (friends or chosen family or romantic partners). I talk more about cheating and agreements in question 5.

Further discussion is a bit beyond the purposes of this document, but you can find a lot more information about definitions and such at http://www.polyamory.org

2) Are polyamorous relationships less intimate than monogamous relationships are, because the person is spreading their attention thinner?

No. at least not necessarily. It really depends on the people involved.

I'm sure you probably know people who can't manage to have an intimate relationship with one person, because they're always focusing on work or a hobby. It can take a lot of time management and planning to have close relationships with more people, but many people manage to have close and intimate relationships with friends or family members as well their romantic partner.

This is basically the same idea. This is one of those situations where it really depends on the relationship - and the people. Poly works really *poorly* when it's used to escape problems in an existing relationship, so if the reason someone is looking for another partner is that they can't be intimately involved with their existing partner, things might break down quickly.

3) What about health issues? How do people handle those?

This depends a lot on the people involved. Most responsible people who are polyamorous tend to be quite well informed about the health risks of blood-bourne diseases (HIV, Hepatitis) as well as sexually transmitted diseases beyond that. There's also simply the fact that if you're around more people, you're more likely to pass on things like cold and flu to others.

Responsible people will be responsible about these issues whether they have one sexual partner at a time or several. Irresponsible people will be irresponsible about these issues whether they have one partner at a time or several.

Therefore, it's important to talk about these issues. Many poly relationships have specific safer sex agreements which everyone involved knows about and agrees to. These vary depending on the people involved, the specific situations of risk, and other factors (like latex allergies, birth control choices, and so on.) They also depend on the past histories of the particular people involved, and in what they intend to do in various circumstances.

It is very sensible to be concerned if you find that someone has not given consideration to these issues. However, different people have different levels of risk that they're comfortable with, and it's important to understand that they may make different decisions from those you'd make.

If you are concerned about your friend's health, asking specific questions that express your concern is one way to go. Something like "I'm glad that you're happy, but aren't you worried about the danger of <X>" works fairly well. They work much better than something like "You will get diseases and die if you do this, I know you will."

The first is something your friend can respond to with specific information, if they feel comfortable doing that (you're asking something pretty personal, after all) or can refer you to other factual information. The second puts them on the defensive, and beyond that, makes it harder for them to give you information that might help. Asking specific questions and *listening* to the answers (not just assuming you know what those answers will be) makes a big difference in these discussions. So does treating the other people like adults who can make their own choices and deal with the consequences.

4) What about children? This can't be a good situation for them, can it?

Actually, the kids I've met who've been raised (even partly) in poly households have been some of the most polite, considerate and stable kids I've ever met.

Honestly, it seems to depend a lot on how stable the household is, and how well the adults involved handle it. Just like any other relationship style, it is possible for polyamorous relationships to have lots of drama and crises and domestic emergencies, but it's also possible for them to run smoothly and comfortably without those things.

Obviously, the version with less drama tends to be better for kids. If parents approach it intelligently (let the kids get to know potential partners over a period of time, don't make sudden changes in household living situations, reassure the kids that this doesn't mean their parents are getting divorced) things seem to run relatively smoothly. The two major problems seem to be the kids worrying about divorce (understandable, given modern society, but not that hard to remedy) and the interference of disapproving grandparents or other members of society.

Again, I'm not saying that irresponsible actions don't occur, and that that might be problematic for children - just that they also occur in monogamy or serial monogamy, and that is not necessarily a reason to discard the relationship style as valid and potentially beneficial to children.

5) It sounds to me like this is all about getting more sex. I don't approve of people breaking vows with their spouse for that. That's cheating, isn't it?

The basic understanding among the polyamorous community is that it is not cheating if you are keeping to your agreements to that person.

Having other romantic or sexual partners when you have committed yourself to monogamy with a single person is cheating. Doing so when you and your partner have deliberately *not* made such a commitment is not cheating. Doing so if you have not talked about it (because society presumes monogamous behavior after a certain point in a relationship) is generally considered to be - if not cheating, certainly not a good way to go about things.

However, polyamorous people generally feel that two - or more - adults are capable of figuring out for themselves what they're comfortable with, and making agreements based on that, rather than deferring to a status quo assumption of what those agreements might be. Poly people also tend to view agreements something that might be renegotiable, and not set in stone - so people may make agreements they expect to reevaluate in a few months, or every year, rather than long-term promises. They might also make long term promises, of course - there just seems to be a wider variation in duration and terms acknowledged at the outset.

As far as it being to get more sex, every time I hear that, I keep wanting to point out that as someone in two long distance relationships, I actually got a whole *less* physical affection (including stuff like hugs and backrubs) than most people do in a monogamous relationship. Beyond that, people often have limits on how often they want to be sexual (just lack of desire, lack of time, whatever) which means that people in poly relationships might be getting the same amount or *less* sex than they'd be getting if they were monogamous with a partner with an equivalent desire for sex, not more.

6) So how is having a close friendship different from having a polyamorous relationship where there's not much physical intimacy going on?

This is an excellent question, and a difficult one. Unfortunately, this is really one of those "You know it when you see it" things. One explanation I've heard is that there's a difference between a romantic relationship and a friendship, where 'romantic' is defined as 'a relationship that focuses on itself to a reasonable extent'. You celebrate romantic anniverseries - few people celebrate the month or year since they made a new friend. You spend time talking about the relationship and making sure everyone's happy. Things like that.

I care deeply for my best friend, and consider him to be 'heart family' - but the flavor of our relationship is very different from that I feel for my current partners, or two of my former relationship partners (one of whom I was never physically involved with - she and I are both heterosexual). It's more like a flavor to the relationship than anything that can be broken down into concrete actions and choices.

7) I've been doing some reading about this, and keep coming across a lot of other groups that keep being mentioned. What do people mean when they say Pagan, or BDSM or gaming? Do all poly people do these things?

There are some groups which for various reasons tend to be more accepting of other ways of living life, and which therefore seem to collect more people who are also members of other subgroups (such as being polyamorous) But you can be polyamorous and not interested in any of those other groups or activities, or you can be interested in those activities and not polyamorous.

However, for the sake of clarity, let me do some very brief definitions (if you'd like further resources on any of these, please let me know, and I'd be glad to point you at more extensive information)

* Pagan: Pagan is a broad term used to describe people who follow one of many earth-centered religions. It is often used (and yes, this is confusing) in place of the slightly more useful word 'Neo-Pagan'. Neo-Pagan generally refers to people who are following a religion which has historical roots, but which has modern elements as part of it. Such religions might include Wicca, Druidism, or many others. The broader term Pagan (and this is why it's confusing) is also used to refer to any religion 'not of the Book' - i.e. not Christianity, Judaism, or Islam.

A good site with more information is http://religioustolerance.org

* BDSM is an abbreviation for a combination of words - Bondage; Domination/Submission; Sadism/Masochism. It's used as a sort of blanket term for play and interaction in those areas (and a number of others). There are many ways to do BDSM, and again, asking the specific people will get you much clearer answers.

One standard of behavior for many people is the requirement that interactions be Safe, Sane, and Consensual: that they be done with any health or injury risks minimized to the greatest extent possible, that they be done in a sane manner (not when someone is under the influence of alcohol or drugs or anger, for example); and that everyone involved agrees to what might happen. The use of ways to indicate that something has gone wrong is also quite common (usually called 'safewords') unless the partners involved know each other extremely well.

* Gaming is a shorthand term for 'role-playing gaming'. In this, the players create fictional characters, and play those characters in various situations (which depend on the kind of game, the person running the game, and so on). Gaming can take place in person or online. Usually it uses numbers to represent character abilities (how these are dealt with depends on the system) and often some random factor (such as dice) to determine the level of success at a specific action.. There are many published gaming systems, and a number of home-grown ones out there.

8) I've seen people reacting poorly to the use of the word 'lifestyle' to describe what they do. Why is that?

The reaction to the word 'lifestyle' is generally because there *is* no single poly lifestyle (any more than there is a single heterosexual lifestyle, or a single homosexual lifestyle). People in polyamorous relationships might live alone in an apartment or house, they might have roommates. They might live in a college dorm. They might live in the city, in a suburb, or on a rural farm. They might work a regular 9-5 job, be on call all the time, or work no fixed hours. They might live with none of their partners, one of their partners, some of their partners, all of their partners, or a mixture of their partners and their partners' partners.

Partners might live with them, on the next block, in the same city - or not even on the same continent. Poly people might eat meat, or be vegetarian or vegan. They might drive an SUV or a truck, or be committed to public transit or biking and walking. They might spend a lot of time on the computer or none at all. They might have several children, or never want to have any.

You can see, therefore, why 'lifestyle' really isn't descriptive - there's really no single poly lifestyle. Pretty much the only vague constant is that people with more partners either start out being better at time management, or learn good coping techniques for their situation - and you can't really call that a lifestyle either.

The other issue is that the word Lifestyle is often used to describe people interested in swinging (where it is more of an obvious lifestyle choice, since it often attracts people with similar desires, and can take up a substantial portion of free time in quite similar ways for those who attend swing clubs or parties) or used to describe lifestyle domination/submission relationships. Some poly people also strongly prefer to avoid the term because of the potential for confusion with these two other subgroups.

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Last edited: September 15, 2002